Hans and Helen are troubled parents of three children. Their determination to bring up their children in their dreamt paths seems to be a utopia. “The children are perpetually disobedient,” they say. “We are frustrated,” adding, “it is as if the two boys and a girl are bent to go against what we are trying to instill in them.”
Indeed, child psychologists say that obedience is the willingness to live within the limits that have been established by others. They further explain that limits are on every level of the society, and we can easily get into hot water by ignoring them. “The sooner your children can learn the importance of obeying limits, the happier they will be – and the more fulfilling your job as a parent will be,” says Kay Kuzma in her book Easy Obedience: Teaching Children Self – discipline with Love.
She calls upon parents to examine their attitude towards limits or laws thus they can understand why their children may or may not be obeying. If parents have a negative attitude towards the law of the land or don’t live up to what they expect from their children, children find no meaning in obedience. Yes, most adult obey laws that are encoded with server consequences of disobedience.
“Children react to limits the same way adults do,” says children development experts, “If the consequences is severe enough to be meaningful, they will be obedient.” They father explain that “if they are afraid of the social consequences of disobedience, they will comply. But, if the consequence is insignificant, every one else is ignoring the limits and when the limit is unclear, they will take the chances.”
Kuzma says that obedience can be enhanced by getting the attention of the child. “Many parents sabotage obedience lesson because they fail to get their child’s attention before making the request,” she explains, “or they try to get attention in such away as to diminish the likelihood that the child will be psychologically ready for obedience.” Parents are encouraged to have full attention of their children before making a request.
One parent says that you can accomplish your desired end without any resistance by merely placing your hand on the child’s back arm. “Most children, unless highly engrossed in some activity, will look up. At that moment smile to reward the child for paying attention, and then make your request.”
Secondly, parents are supposed to set clear limits for children to be aware what is exactly expected of them.
Thirdly, time limit when obedience is expected is important. “If appropriate, you might ask when your children think they will be finished, let them work towards their own goals,” says Kuzma.
“The timing of the request will often determine whether it is obeyable or not. Sometimes parents make requests at inappropriate times, when children are involved in other activities,” says the family life specialist, “setting a time limit that gives some flexibility, or determining with their children the time request can best be fulfilled, will make the request more palatable than if the parents demands immediate obedience without consideration for their children’s personal agenda.”
Fourth, parents request should be reasonable. Experts say that children are quick to sense injustice. If a limit seems unfair or they don’t understand its importance, they will question and resist unless they are afraid of parental retaliation.
Yes, children at times can not understand a parent’s reason for wanting something done. But child physiologist say that parents should be careful how they say it; “using a tone that is pushy or demanding, which will cause resistance.”
Fifth, the consequence for obedience should be severe enough to be meaningful. Yes parents must be prepared to follow through with imposing the consequence. Likewise, social pressure should be considered. Experts’ point out that negative peer pressure can make obedience extremely difficult at times. They council parents to consider if there is a possibility for social acceptance if the limit is obeyed or social embarrassment if it is not: “Children need approval and positive attention,” they say.
Seventh, children need to understand your limit. Kuzma counsels that a child needs to tell you in his or her words the request you are offering. “The more senses children use in learning the limit, the easier it will be for them to obey,” the president of Family Matters and host of the syndicated daily radio program Got a Minute for Your Family says “if they can hear it, see what needs to be done, read what you have written down in the list, touch it, or process the request in their own heads and then repeat it, they will more likely remember what you have said and follow it through with appropriate obedience.
“If you don’t want your child bouncing through your limits, then you’ve got to make it clear that you mean what you say,” says a child development professor.
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