Last week we looked into the prominent role of love in dealing with misbehavior amongst children. We show that any type of discipline that is embraced without love will not bear the desired results. Yes, we realized that children misbehave when they are not given due attention and a need for power and control over their lives.
This week we are going to learn why children misbehave when they are controlled by their emotions. Children become rebellious when they want to get back to the people whom they feel are controlling their lives; they go out for revenge.
For effective discipline to be instilled in a revengeful child a parent should understand iceberg psychology or phenomenon. A iceberg take it's position and shape, however, how one is determined to chop it on the surface.
"A common mistake parents make when disciplining their children is to attack the behavior they don't like rather than taking few minutes to determine the underlying that is causing the problem," says Kay Kuzma a child development and family life specialist, professor.
So, whenever a parent takes note of an emotionally related misbehavior, which might be exhibited in destruction of properties, abusive or mean words, teasing or hostile actions, this is like the top of the iceberg.
Most parents have a tendency of dealing away with the offensive behavior. Parents employ all disciplinary means at their disposal: yelling, spanking, threatening; yes, for a time they seem to succeed. But, they haven't touched the root course of the problem. "There is a strong chance that some other behavior is likely to surface, and it may be worse than the one you tried to get rid of the the first place," Kuzma says.
For example, Tom is a standard four boy, he comes home this evening emotionally down and dejected; "how was your day Tom?" the mother inquired. "Boring," he responded with a frowning face, "I hate my teacher. He is stupid."
The mother took the boy head on, with a stern lecture on why he should respect his teachers and take his studies seriously. The boy's explanations drowned in the mother's argument.
The following day the boy failed to make it to school, even after the parents push. From here the mother was humbled to change tactic - to talk hearty with Tom. She put her self in the boy's shoe, as he narrated the drama that ensured in class. At the end of the story the mum was able to inject her counsels to a receptive heart, mind.
"When it comes to searching for the emotion underneath the misbehavior, the key is to listen, because the only way the troublesome emotion is going to be defused is to be vented by talking about it," the don cum author says, "what you want to avoid is letting the emotion be acted out in unacceptable ways."
Child development psychologist says that listening to your child is the starting point of acknowledging their emotions. Echo their emotions in words, "you are hurt," "it's painful when something something like that happens to you." "Your recognition of your child's emotion gives the message that it's OK to be experiencing it," she says,adding, "and immediately your child feels you're an allay," explaining further that the child is able to express his or her heart.
A parent should develop the habit of acknowledging what the child's saying with comments such as "I see," "yes" or "oh" accompanied with resonating body posture. With this keen listening emotion dissipate, hence the child is ready for problem solving. "Problem solving is seldom effective when there is too much emotion. Unbiased thinking is impossible in a highly emotional environment," says the author of "Building Values."
It's remarkable that children copy their parents how to express themselves emotionally. "When emotions are dealt within the early stages and allowed to be expressed in words, it eliminates the need for those emotions to be acted out in other behavior," she explains.
When misbehavior that emanates from emotions, early enough, troublesome emotions build which eventually controls our lives negatively.
Unresolved emotions in children become directed to parents and those in authority in a rebellious manner. Yes, this is an indication of a sour relationship between a child and a parent. Indeed, when negative emotions are not nipped in the bud, they metamorphosis into rebellious, antisocial, destructive, vengeful way.
Kuzma says that Children express their unresolved emotions is to be come covertly revengeful; especially when parent's only mode responding to it is to chip away the tip of the iceberg behavior they don't like.
Indeed, says the child psychology expert that emotionally based misbehavior is not easy for some parents to deal with.Many parents try to block or stuff feelings and refuse to allow a child the verbal expression of such emotional anger, jealousy, fear, or revenge. When this negative approach is not corrected "it spreads beyond parent-child relationships to all other relationships in the child's life - teachers, peers, employers, scout or church leaders, and eventually government officials."
Doing a way with negative emotions begins with admitting an emotion as it's - I'm hurt - and then focusing on the cause - how it can be changed not to be experienced in future.
"Emotions aren't good or bad; they just are," says Kuzma, "but too much emotion sabotage the process of easy obedience. She counsels that when you identify the negative emotion handle it from it's real cause. Talk about the emotion and solve the problem, "your child won't have to act it out, and hopefully it will melt away."
I ACKNOWLEDGE IN BORROWING HEAVILY FROM KAY KUZMA,Ed.D. HER GREAT BOOK: "EASY OBEDIENCE: TEACHING CHILDREN SELF - DISCIPLINE WITH LOVE" IN WRITING THIS ARTICLE. KINDLY SECURE YOUR COPY FOR A NEW BEGGING IN CHILD DISCIPLINE.
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