Ann is a frustrated mother, his son of seven years is giving her hard times, sleepless nights. The boy whines, pouts, and pushes her young sister, he grabs her toys when playing. This behavior extends to school - his teachers have pointed out to her.
Ann is not alone, many parents are going through nightmares on how to curb misbehavior in their children before it gets out of hands with age. “Every theory on child discipline seems to have no meaning in my family,” laments another parent of four children.
But experts in child development psychology points out that children misbehave to get attention. They point out that when children, as well as adults, get positive attention, they feel loved. Thus, they explain that children resort to destructive behavior, threats of suicide, and blunt disobedience to secure attention.
“Attention is so important that a child would rather have negative attention than no attention at all,” says Kay Kuzuma in her book "Easy Obedience: Teaching Children Self – discipline with Love."
Kuzma who is a child development and family life specialist professor says that love is essential for a child's healthy development. Indeed, studies that were carried out during the World war II reveals that babies in orphanages failed to develop properly notwithstanding having enough food, cribs, and diapers changed regularly. But, they were not touched, cuddled, or rocked. Yes, they were neither given attention nor loved. Kuzma says their love cups were empty.
The child development expert says that love is very important in changing negative behavior into positive behavior. She explains that giving love is more effective behavior changer than any other advocated modes of discipline. “When children need the type of positive attention that makes them feel loved, no amount of punishment, threats, bribes, anger, or spanking is going to effectively solve the behavior problem.” She adds that a child in fear may cease his or her disobedience for a time, but if the basic need for love is unmet, the disobedience will soon surface again.
This concept does not negate other modes of discipline rather it is a call for parents and teachers to effectively meet the need which is the root cause for yearning attention; otherwise, parents might find themselves rewarding negative behavior.
This love cup principle illustrates that children are like cups; thus, when they are filled to overflow – they tend to behave in an acceptable manner. Kuzma says that children equate love with attention. “When children feel empty, they will try to feel themselves with attention, which more than often result in obnoxious behavior – showing off, putting others down, blaming, criticizing, fighting, arguing, and destructive actions.”
For Ann who is an indefatigable parent giving up is not one of those threads that is weaving the fabric of her living. She says that she has matched forward to find applicable disciplining tools for her son – books and counseling services have been handy and workable. She is joyous to behold a promising future in her son albeit false starts.
She says a book she has read on the cup of love is a great help. The book fortifies the concept of a cup of love as an effective tool kit for discipline and obedience – based on obvious but neglected ingredients for daily living such as telling a child how special he or she is, hugging and kissing while meeting the boys needs for positive attention.
Further, child development expert says that another reason for misbehavior among children is a struggle for power between the children and authority figures. Example, you must have witnessed this: a child always trying to change or tune another channel or station while you are watching or listening to news, warnings falling on deaf ears, persistently.
Kuzma says that a child's “healthy” misbehavior occurs on two planes, starting with a need for attention and moving into a need for power and control. She says that parents should be creative disciplinarian to work on this two planes to prevent their children from moving on to a more pathological misbehavior caused by wanting to revenge and feeling inadequate or inferior.
It is an open secret that when a child is acting good he or she receives less attention if any at all: No approval. But when they are being bad – by showing off, acting silly, being destructive, or getting into mischief he or she carries the family's day. “For a child being yelled at or beaten is better than being ignored,” Kuzma says.
John is another parents who usually gets home after a wearisome day from his new found job. This day, as he struggles to acquit him self with the news of the day, read the newspaper. His 4 – year - old boy come running saying, “Daddy, Daddy, come outside and see what I have made.” As the boy is standing by him, with a posture of anxiety and achievement the father responds: “Not now; don't you see, I'm reading the paper?”
The young boy persisted nagging him, but in vain. He retreated to another room. Few minutes latter the boy emerged, walked to the dad, jumped into his arms tearing the paper into pieces. The child development expert says that the real message of the boy is “Daddy, my love cup is empty and needs to be filled with a little positive attention – and I can't wait!”
For those parents who are sailing through turbulent waters from misbehavior of their children they are called to give the cup of love concept a trial. Noting that when the cup of love is empty nothing will effectively meet and change that offensive behavior amazingly as a little extra love – positive attention. Spend some time together with your child, encouraging him or her, or share some word of appreciation.
“Love is fundamental for all parenting,” says Kuzma, “you can discipline only as much as you are willing to love.”
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